single

Am I not worth an appetizer?

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So I haven’t blogged in quite sometime now. I was going to reset myself and jump into it with a post titled, “A Better Me.” But, a million other thoughts came my way and I feel that it was time to say how I really feel.

I am 52-years-old. Single. Well sort of yes but, yes, yes I’m single woman. Who am I kidding. I talk to other men and have visions of me going on a date, finding out that I can be compatible with someone else but….. it stops even before the date. It stops with a stupid comment during the “text conversation” not even a phone conversation. Hmm, I think even further, did our banter get you off? Oh my God. No wonder why women resort to FansOnly or OnlyFans. They might as well get paid for the crap they get put through.

We exchange hellos, how are you, what’s new…then here it comes, the sexual innuendos. Why, why, why, do people not think before they speak? Do they realize that there is a right way and a wrong way?

Am I the one who is wrong? Is that how it’s supposed to be? Friendly banter and then bang? Literally, bang.

No. It doesn’t feel right. I have changed. Things changed. Situations have changed. This is a different period in my life that shouldn’t be one moment of self gratification and then that empty hole feeling. That feeling of eating a buttery English muffin with the butter dripping and afterwards realizing that’s it, it’s gone and I feel the buttery drippings, sliding down my arteries and a sluggish, why did I do that, kind of feeling.

Ya know what, I am worth that appetizer. I am worth a steak dinner at Prime. I am worth a dozen roses.

I am worth more then a 10 min frolic, there you go, get your rocks off, fling in bed. Way more. No buttery English muffins for me.

Is my vibe giving them the feeling that there will be nothing more after the dinner and roses? Maybe that will be case but I will not put myself out there so you can get your 10 mins of self-gratification at my expense. I am sorry. No I’m not. I’m not sorry and neither should any woman or man out there that goes through the same thing.

You are worth so much more. Don’t settle for that English muffin and butter feeling.

(This post was originally a draft from a year ago and like many others that I never had the nerve to post). Slowly but surely I will publish them. Just another obstacle that I have to get over).

What a great read for the summer!! Trust me and get it!!

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Love it!!!

Is it a sin to…

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…have no motivation whatsoever? This isn’t about me committing sins either lol.

I’m feeling guilty because I have got next to nothing done today. In all fairness, I had a little incident at work the beginning of the week that put me out of commission for a few days. But, don’t we all once in a while? Is it the end of the world? No.

That’s neither here nor there because I can still function to a degree and I thank my lucky stars that it wasn’t worse.

I was off for 3 1/2 days. It set off total flashbacks for me. Covid quarantine flashbacks. Like most of you, I never ever want to experience that again.

That is the type of jolt we all need once in a while to make us appreciate life. It certainly gave me a wakeup call. That wakeup call is not letting events or people control my happiness.

Everyone gets into a funk periodically because of outside factors. I let this, whatever you call it umm stupid state of mind put me in a funk. I usually practice what I preach but for some reason this one was hard for me to shake off.

The time off gave me a chance to think about things though. Downtime to think is sooo important, but I will save that for another post.

There was a great article I read about not letting your emotions control you. It is like a built-in instinctual habit when a person lets their emotions control their cognitive thought process. It can ruin everything or it can make everything perfect. It all depends on you and your brain.

You’re bummed because you didn’t get the job, you didn’t pass the test, or someone hasn’t called or texted you back etc.

There are so many influences that affect our emotional state. The question is, how do we turn on and off those emotions? How can you reflect or intersect whatever is making your emotions go haywire?

It boils down to your brain. Conditioning your thoughts to recognize that emotions are feelings and feelings can be altered literally in a split second. The key is to learn how to change your reaction to the actions that are affecting your emotions.

It sounds a lot more than it really is. I’m not saying that it is easy to turn off your emotions but controlling them with your thoughts, can be done.

Over the years I have learned how to not let certain events or people control my emotional state. I am not perfect at it but I’ve come a long way.

Emotions, the bad ones, can wreak havoc on your health. Depression, anger, and sadness, especially for a long period of time can really do damage to your overall well-being. It is worth it? The sadness or anger you went through and probably eventually got over, was it worth your time slighting yourself of happiness? Not only your happiness but the happiness of those around you as well.

There isn’t anything in this world worth not having peace of mind. Life is always going to happen no matter what you say or do. It is inevitable.

The one thing you do have control over is your mind. Keep it strong. Practice deflection. Those small idiotic things that you encounter that get your pissed or make you sad, shrug it off and ask yourself, is it worth bringing me into a bad emotional state? When you realize that there are no major catastrophes in life, only then will you start to feel peace.

Your time on this earth is so precious. Don’t waste it. Be at peace with yourself and those around you.

Okay, enough gibberish. Have a great weekend everyone. Enjoy life!

You’ll have one of those days DV survivor. It’s okay, just breathe.

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I’d say a majority of my posts, probably all my posts are optimistic, upbeat, positive, and reinforcing, but Friday was a pretty bad day for me.

It set me back quite a bit. I’m not going to go into details because in the end it doesn’t matter. What matters is that being a DV survivor is how you bounce back and realize that you’ll have moments like this in life.

I haven’t had a bad day like that in approximately 14 months. The one on Friday was over a miscommunication between myself and another individual. The screaming began. Not me but him. I froze. My legs were like cement. I felt like I was actually going to faint. I listened and barely spoke and after that 3 minutes of that horrific moment, just like that, it was over.

I don’t post about being a domestic violence survivor because number one, I hate pity parties. I hate dwelling. I hate reliving those time periods in my life. But now it feels different. I feel like I am in a place where I can discuss it to a degree without completely going into a catatonic state.

Without a doubt in my mind, PTSD and domestic violence go hand in hand. I’m getting better since Friday, I am doing things to try and forget it. I’m able to hold back the tears, the ache inside, the pains in my stomach, and the thoughts of it are diminishing.

You have to draw a line in your mind with you on one side and the incident on the other. Look over that line. Realize that you are on the safe side and you recognize that you are okay standing where you are. Look at that incident like you are watching it on tv. After it’s over, shut it off. It’s over and done with. You are standing over that line and you are okay and safe.

Next, look around you. You can breathe. You’re alive.  You are going to have times in your life that even though you aren’t in that domestic violence relationship you were once in, you will encounter times that are going to make you feel like you are.

This probably sounds like I am allowing people to treat me the way I use to, no. This is called everyday life and people are going to have heated arguments, disagreements, and even though it affects you so severely, those doing the screaming and yelling don’t have any clue. They don’t know what you’ve been through. But you do and you can overcome any blip in the screen. Your heart is beating and you are okay.

How did I handle this you ask? Well after he left the room, I stood with my feet glued to the floor. It took at least a minute to move my rock feeling feet and rubber band legs again. I am resilient and I can get through this I said to myself. At first I was angry, no tears, just rage building up inside me. I was disappointed with myself. Then the tears and sobbing started. This is the first time someone made me feel like this since I left my last relationship 14 months ago. I felt like I needed to go runaway and hide like I’ve done before.  I sat there and didn’t know what to do.

Right then, he walked in the room and sat down. Of course I was speechless. What do I do? How am I going to handle this again? But it wasn’t an “again.” He said to me that he wanted to apologize. He didn’t mean to scream at me like that. I felt a little relieved, not a lot, just a little. I responded with what I had to say and explained myself. It was just a measly miscommunication over something so trivial. I don’t think, I know he realized the way the way he approached me was uncalled for. We talked and I cried. I couldn’t help it. Through the sobs, I told him I am a strong woman. I am independent.  He looked at me like I was nuts and didn’t understand what I was getting at.  That’s okay though. Communication helped ME understand that not every situation is the same as it was before.

Even if it was a different situation, and it was the onset of another bad relationship, I have the knowledge and strength now to know the difference and exit from any toxic relationship that has the potential of infiltrating me.

Enough said. You too can overcome and defeat anything that comes your way. Just breathe. It’s going to be okay. You’re alive and able to get it right this time. Be thankful.