Where do I begin

It’s January 2013 already? My life is definitely passing me by. On Christmas eve a few weeks ago my house caught on fire. Between the damage of the fire, water, and below 0 temps, I just about lost everything, but I didn’t lose my family and that’s all that truly matters. To make that long story short, an ember blew out of the chimney and back on to the house which set the blaze. It was the most heart wrenching thing I’ve ever experienced. I’ve never felt so helpless in my entire life. I hold the memories close to my heart that were made in that house but that night is the night that I also let go of a lot of anguish. It was definitely a bitter-sweet moment in my life. My boys were raised in that house and knew nothing else. Those were some of the most precious memories I’ve ever made there. I lost all of our childhood keepsakes. Mine, the boys, and Toms. They were all stored up in the attic. How do you possibly deal with something like that? Their first strands of hair from their first haircut, their baby blankets, first outfits, etc. All gone. What does it mean though? It was all just material things right? When I die then what? Do my boys really want to lug all that stuff(precious stuff to me)around because they knew it meant so much to me? I guess it really doesn’t make a difference now though does it? It’s all gone.

There were so many memories made there I can’t even begin to get into it. Holding on to those memories is all that matters now.

The top half of this post was written day before yesterday. It’s amazing how my mood changes over a period of a couple of days.

I realized something this morning. I have a tendency to hold back. I hold back my feelings and my thoughts. I never let it all out and I think part of it is because I’m afraid of things going good for a change. That is another thing I’m afraid of is change. With this whole incident of my house catching on fire is a way to start over. My boyfriend hit it right on the nose, he said we were complacent in that house. It was holding us back and there was A LOT of luggage to go along with it. Now, we have no choice but to walk away, leave it all behind and let it go. It’s painstaking no doubt, but I also in a weird way feel like the sky is clearing. I literally at the end of 2012 felt like someone had a chokehold on me. Grant it I lost my mom in August and had gone through a rough time with her being sick but me watching her in pain put me through a lot of agonizing grief. My childhood left me with a ton of animosity and with her passing I was angry because I never told her enough(while she was well)the things that upset me from my past. That is a whole other issue that I’m not even sure I’m going to tackle but for now I’ll push it out of my thoughts. I have so much to deal with why put that mess on my plate as well right?

Whew must be the coffee today because I am a complete chatter box wth?

My decision is this today; I am going to make a change, say and write how I feel without hesitation or in fear of what others will think or in fear of losing people because of expressing my true feelings. That’s it bottom line over and done with.

That’s all for now…until next time. Wish me luck.