1 week, 2 days

It has been a week and 2 days since my mom died. I went to grab my phone yesterday morning when I woke up to text her my usual “u up” but realized she was gone. The pain doesn’t feel any less than it did from the first day I found her. I’m just trying to mask it with keeping myself busy with school which I started full-time yesterday and everything else I have going on. I guess I just have to keep moving. I miss blogging so I’m going to have to try to ease myself into it but for some reason I feel guilty carrying on with my life. My sisters are doing pretty good but they have their moments of outburst of tears. We always seem to know when we each are feeling down because we will send a random text and say, I was just going to text you how are you doing? So weird how we are so connected. I think people in general take life for granted. Hopefully if I ever get out of this gut wrenching pain that I continue to have, maybe I will start enjoying all the little things I did before. Thank god for my boys that keep me going. That’s all I can say.

If the writing is honest it cannot be separated from the man who wrote it. Tennessee Williams

That was the quote WordPress just gave me for publishing my 15th post. My mom was from Tennessee. I think there are signs everywhere that are loved ones send us to show us they are out there watching over us. Love you mommy.

She’s gone

my mom died day before yesterday.she asked me to go get her a few things from the store and when i got there i found her in her bed. the pain is indescribable. she was my best friend. i don’t even know how to put my feelings into this blog. there is really nothing that can describe my pain right now. everything is all fuzzy i haven’t slept and ive been cleaning since 4 a.m. i never ever clean she would have been impressed she was definitely ocd in the best way she loved her home so much of course no mom is ever perfect but she was always always there for me. she busted my chops and drove me absolutely insane at times but a couple of hours later we acted like nothing even happened.  what am i going to do without her how am i going to do this? how am i going to be without her? i never thought this day would come i always told her she would be pissing on my grave for sure. we could talk to each other like that she was my best friend. every time we went to the casino or we did something we knew for sure my sisters would never approve of, he motto was, we could be dead tomorrow, she always said that i have a text from her last week saying that exact thing. i locked all my messages from her. i can’t stand this void in my life. we could be dead tomorrow. i need to hear he say that again. i need to go to the casino with her one last time and sit at the buffet with her and gossip about everyone and everything. there is so much i’m going to miss, her bringing me all her good finds from goodwill and salvation army. she would call me from her cell phone in a whispering voice and say jeana you’re not going to believe what i found and i’d say oh cool take a picture i want to see it and 8 mins later i’d get the pic. over the last 6 months or so i tolerated all her little trinkets she brought me i use to get so mad because my house would we overstocked with little boxes, salt and pepper shakers, pictures, just everything but i felt this coming on. i said yea ma i’ll take whatever you find. we loved the casino we’d do our usual routine, go get our free play, go to the buffet, and sit and bullshit for hours just like we did on the car ride. my best friend is gone. i feel like i should have been there more for her. i should have been nicer and i should have spent more time with her. i tried and maybe i should have tried harder.

It’s never too late at fortysomething

As I told you in an earlier post, I am going back to school full-time to  finish up my associates in Business Administration. Not only am I at the ripe old age of 41, but I’m also divorced and have two boys ages 8 and 9. Granted, I know my work/school load will indeed be a full one come this September, but this is the first time in a long time that I have felt alive and heading in the right direction. In 2008/2009 I took online courses to get my medical transcription certificate, but this time it feels different.  I feel different about everything lately. I appreciate life a lot more since my boys are getting older and my family had a scare with my mom’s health. When you stop and actually look at life evolving around you and recognize there are things and circumstances you do not have control over, only then does it bring everything into a whole new perspective. Time is ticking forward and there isn’t anything that can bring back that one second or minute. The most valuable life lesson I could have EVER learned is that my existence on this earth is truly priceless. I realized that only I have the ability to change my life. I can sit and do nothing but monopolize myself with worries and wishes, or opt for my other choice and take advantage of this beautiful life God has given me. I had a choice to make that change and I did. Anyone can. There isn’t anything that can stop you.

If you open your mind and think of what it is you want in this life, you will get it. I truly believe that. When my boys were 1 and 2-years-old,  my ex-husband decided he wanted to separate(eventually divorce) and move back down to New York City.  So alas, here I was alone, living in upstate New York, overwhelmed, and numb. The only thing I was focusing on was surviving  mentally in order to take care of my babies. I did it, I got through it and I moved on AGAIN. Yes, again. I’m not going to re-hash all of my life events at this point in time, but I’m sure you’ll hear about in future posts. The point of this post is that anyone can do anything if they just put their mind, heart, and soul into it. Cliche′ of the day: Where there is a will, there is a way. So overused but true and to the point. I have a lot more to do, but for now I’m taking life one step at a time and be content with what I’ve accomplished already. What good is anything if you can’t look back on how far you’ve come? By doing so, it only makes what you have to endure that much easier.

Stuffed chili peppers

Over the past couple of years I have been finding ways to use leftovers to make new recipes. I came up with so many ideas and I wish I had jotted them down or started this blog earlier to keep track of them but I didn’t so here I am now.

Yesterday was a lazy Sunday for us. I was pretty bored and considering the space the men were occupying in the house, I certainly could not do any cleaning, so to fill my boredom I decided to make stuffed chili peppers with some leftovers from dinner two days ago.

~ Grilled chicken and vegetables, and a rice and broccoli casserole mix. I used my little nifty chopper to do the obvious(chop).

After preparing the stuffing mixture for the peppers. I gutted the peppers of the all seeds. Whoa let me tell you they had such a strong aroma I had a coughing fit and my eyes watered. My little guy Matthew who likes to watch me cook geared up when he watched me go through my coughing ordeal.

After cleaning the peppers, place on a cookie sheet and coat with a light layer of olive oil. Bake in the over for approximately 10 to 15 minutes. While these are roasting that is when I chopped my mix up. After the peppers are done, stuff with mixture and top with cheddar cheese. Actually, you can use any type of cheese you prefer.

Bake in the oven at 375º for about 20 minutes. The last 5 minutes I like to broil to give it a little crisp on top.

 They really came out delicious. I was pretty impressed and after cleaning the seeds out and baking them, they weren’t that spicy hot at all.