Well I had an epiphany in the shower. It came after I was sitting on my bed with my 7-year-old son Matthew and was feeling down still about my mom. Amazingly he sensed it and said to me, mom you can talk to me I’ll listen to you and if I’m not here Maddy(our dog)will listen to you too because she has part of me in her because I brush her hair all the time. I burst out in tears and just couldn’t help it and he hugged me and said it’s okay just remember all the happy times with nanny and she is watching us now so it’s not like she is really gone. This Sunday will be three weeks since she passed. I’ve been in and out of it and really trying my hardest especially in front of the boys to hide my sadness but I know there has to come a point that I’m going to have to start living my life again. That is the best way I can put it. I’ve been keeping really busy with school, the boy’s football, work, cleaning out my mom’s house with my sister’s, but I feel like I’m just going through the motions and not really living. I can’t do that. I know my sister’s are still in pain but I look at them and I fee like they’ve already moved on. I guess we are different and I can’t blame them. Sometimes subconsciously I do get angry at them and say to myself how can they laugh and enjoy the things they are doing? Well tomorrow is a new day for me and for the boys. I’m not going to let them take the brunt of this. I can’t bring her back or the precious time that I’m using to dwell on her loss. It’s taking away the best moments of my life with my kids and living in general. I’ll never get this time back so I have to move on. My mother is probably furious with me as it is because I’m acting them way I am as it is. I can hear her now, Oh jesus christ Jeana get the fu*@ over it already. Kid you not that is how we talked to each other. No holds barred. Say it like it is. Worrying is like a rocking chair, you can keep rocking and it still won’t get you nowhere.
It’s amazing how many thoughts go through your mind when drinking your morning cup of coffee. I just read another bloggers post and it inspired me to write a quick one and turn my something “bad” into something good. My bad being thoughts about my mom and just a couple of life things in general but then it dawned on me, today I WOULD HAVE been married for 19 years but I took the courage to call it quits on a bad marriage going nowhere. That is definitely great thing in my life right now that I am so grateful it for today. The best part of it was I got two of the most amazing kids out of the deal so all the heartache, pain, and suffering I did was well worth it. Remember it’s never too late to take that first step. I found out it takes a lot of time to heal in any situation. That is a process you cannot rush and I’m learning that everyday. The best thing to do is literally sit down and write down all the positives in your life and use it as your elixir. Good things and positive thoughts do heal.
And so it’s been two weeks today. One thing I have to say before I get started. I am not one to dwell and be dramatic. 99.9% of the time I am a positive and upbeat person. I hate drama and if there is something or someone causing a negative whatever to my life I eliminate it, but with my mom dying 2 weeks ago I feel completely different. I’m not sure what it is. Sadness is definitely a part of it but there is something else. I’ve been talking with my sisters and they’ve been feeling it also. I think time is the only thing that will give us any sort of relief I hope.
Anyway, yesterday was the first football game of the season for the boys and they won 35 – 0. There is just something about this time of year that I absolutely love. The smell in the air, the blue skies, a hint of color change in the leaves on the trees, and the thought of settling down for winter is just so soothing. This was my mom’s favorite time of year also. She made me appreciate the simplest things in life. I’m figuring this out slowly but I’m just going to have to take all that good stuff that she taught me and put my all into it and my boys. I get mixed emotions when I get excited about the thought of getting my fall decorations out or watching the boys play football. I feel like how could I dare enjoy these things now that my mom is gone? Hard to explain it but on the other hand I know she would want me to get excited about this stuff. She always did.
Okay time to change the subject. I’m posting a pic of the boys first game of the season. We had a blast and I was probably more nervous than anyone out there with being Team Mom I had a lot of little babies to watch out for. Wow instant family lol and I went natural with all of them! I just had to remember that life is still good and hold on to the great memories I had with my mom. I’m starting to take those baby steps……