…just that one thing

Well I had an epiphany in the shower. It came after I was sitting on my bed with my 7-year-old son Matthew and was feeling down still about my mom. Amazingly he sensed it and said to me, mom you can talk to me I’ll listen to you and if I’m not here Maddy(our dog)will listen to you too because she has part of me in her because I brush her hair all the time. I burst out in tears and just couldn’t help it and he hugged me and said it’s okay just remember all the happy times with nanny and she is watching us now so it’s not like she is really gone. This Sunday will be three weeks since she passed. I’ve been in and out of it and really trying my hardest especially in front of the boys to hide my sadness but I know there has to come a point that I’m going to have to start living my life again. That is the best way I can put it.  I’ve been keeping really busy with school, the boy’s football, work, cleaning out my mom’s house with my sister’s, but I feel like I’m just going through the motions and not really living. I can’t do that. I know my sister’s are still in pain but I look at them and I fee like they’ve already moved on. I guess we are different and I can’t blame them. Sometimes subconsciously I do get angry at them and say to myself how can they laugh and enjoy the things they are doing? Well tomorrow is a new day for me and for the boys. I’m not going to let them take the brunt of this. I can’t bring her back or the precious time that I’m using to dwell on her loss. It’s taking away the best moments of my life with my kids and living in general. I’ll never get this time back so I have to move on. My mother is probably furious with me as it is because I’m acting them way I am as it is. I can hear her now, Oh jesus christ Jeana get the fu*@ over it already. Kid you not that is how we talked to each other. No holds barred. Say it like it is. Worrying is like a rocking chair, you can keep rocking and it still won’t get you nowhere.