I wish I could walk around barefoot and drink sweet tea……
Sometimes I wonder what the hell goes on in my head? I talk way too much and to the wrong people sometimes. I go on and on and write these novels thinking people wanna actually hear what I have to say but in reality I think only a few do. I’m also thinking of cutting my ties with some certain people by deactivating my facebook for a while. I wish I cold deactivate it yet keep it only for myself but I am afraid one day the private button won’t work lol. ANyway here is a post that I was going to put on facebook but chickened out. I have no idea why usually I have no problem saying what I feel but lately I feel like I lost my voice. Hard to explain.
One of my random theories in life to live by today is; you can’t harbor bad feelings of what or who caused you pain in life because it will only consume you and end up robbing you of the good that you’re surrounded by. If you constantly dwell on the negative, that is what your life will become. My misfortunes in life aren’t anything compared to what a lot of people are experiencing right now and that is the positive I am holding on to and cherishing. Any other thoughts are unacceptable at this point. As long as my boys/family/friends are healthy and happy that is all I care about. I am surrounded by so much good that when I think about how great my life is, those feelings of contentment that I have, cancel out everything and everyone that cause me grief. It is truly an amazing and genuine feeling, if that makes sense. I post things like this because I want to share ALL the good in my life. My other intention for posting thoughts like this is that maybe someone out there can benefit from what I am saying. Nothing more, nothing less. If I can’t do something for someone physically or in a monetary kind of way, maybe I can’t help them out mentally by saying certain words that will help them look at life in a different light or maybe change their way of thinking for the better.
This is where I need to be, with my babies sitting right next to me……I can’t wait to leave it all behind.
I had so many things I wanted to blog about today but didn’t even get a chance to jot it down to do it after. “You never know,” is a quote someone put into my nieces program for the play along with their advertisement. But, it just stuck out in my head today for so many reasons. Last week we had a shooter right here in our village. Everything and everyone was turned upside down. There was one “you never know.” It’s scary but true because you truly never know one day from the next whats going to happen. You also never know who you are dealing with, neighbors, friends, even family to a certain extent. Lately, I have been finding out so many sides to so many people. Good and bad sides, trusting and not so trusting sides, along with I am totally shocked sides.
You never know isn’t a bad statement, it just means don’t assume you know everything about someone no matter how close of a friend you are. I see now why some people do the things they do and what makes them tick. I watch them get angry and act out and realize ohhh okay is that where all the emotion is stemming from. A lot of it comes from a person’s childhood. I truly believe that. Traumatic events and not so traumatic events that happened during someone’s youth can explain why they are they way they are today.
People display so many different type of emotions. I saw resentment, anger, disgust, guilt, all in one night!!! This was sitting on the other side of the fence and I thought to myself, I don’t want to be like that or end up like that. I don’t want to be in a hateful relationship. People can tell each other that they love one another all they want but it shows how they talk and treat to each other. If you can’t get past whatever resentment you have towards the other person then you need to let go or if your carrying some type of hate as a result of what happened to you in the past, stop. Stop taking it out on people who love you the most. It sucks. I see myself doing a little bit of both. I make excuses for the things I do and what I’ve had done to me in the past. It isn’t right and I know this. Making excuses isn’t any way to live life. Change has to happen now before it’s too late.
How do I even begin to tell you about Maddy? Where do I start other than with the fact that she was truly my best friend. If you are not a dog lover you wouldn’t understand this post so you might as well skip right over it. I remember the day I picked her out. She was the only rotty with a little bump on her nose and when I knelt down she came waddling over, yes waddling to sniff me up and check me out. She had the cutest little pig belly ever. I had to carry her around for the first 3 to 4 months because her short little legs couldn’t keep up with me.
Everywhere I went she followed. I would walk from room to room doing my chores and she was there right by my side. I couldn’t even pee or take a shower without her. When it was bed time and I wasn’t ready yet, she would pace relentlessly until I at least brought her up and tucked her in!
Four years definitely wasn’t long enough. I know that there are humans every day who suffer and leave our loved ones because of cancer, but the pain I am feeling without her is just the same. I understand there was no possible way I could let her suffer either but there is such an empty feeling inside that I can’t even describe. She got me through some rough times in my life and I will never forget it. She kept me warm on the coldest nights and gave me peace of mind when the boys and I were sleeping at night just knowing that she would have ripped anyones head off if they walked through that door.
I am going to miss her so much. Again, there goes another piece of my heart, just like the piece I lost when my mom passed away last year. Yes, I know this is a part of life but it sucks and I hate it.
I wish there was someway I could bring her back.