50's

What are we looking at here

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It’s stability, reassurance, and clarification.

I bought my own home a little over a year now. My sister had helped me move in. We wiped out the cabinets, did some organizing, rearranging. But at one point she asked me, “why don’t we put the contact paper down now before you put the cups and dishes away?” I said, “no, I’ll get to it at another time, it’s no big deal.” She looked at me a little perplexed and I myself had feelings of uneasiness and uncertainty about doing it.”

For the past 13 years of my life, I have spent it on the go and trying to make a stable life for me and my boys. To make a long story short, I went through an exhausting and heartbreaking divorce, a house fire, two horrifice relationships after my divorce. Which yes it was my bad for trying to get the life I wanted for them and me. I just wanted the “white picket fence.” But I lived and I learned.

Which brings me to what this post is all about. After going through this for the past 13 years, my hopes and dreams finally came to fruition. I can rest. I can put my dishes and cups away without having to worry about what my next move is going to be. I am settled. I am in a better state of mind and place, physically. I’m not saying that my life won’t still have its ups and downs, but I can take those challenges head on and not have to worry about uprooting my whole life to try and make a go of it again.

I am here, grounded and safe.

That is all I ever wanted in life.

Whoever is reading this, never give up. Stay positive, have a purpose and a goal in mind. Never waver from your hopes and dreams, even in your lowest moments, when life feels at its most unforgiving. Please trust me on this.

Mud

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Have you ever felt like your feet were stuck in mud? Metaphorically speaking obviously.

You are in limbo. You don’t know whether you are coming or going.

You are just sitting and waiting. Waiting and waiting.

My life has been on hold for 5 years. No actually since my divorce in 2006. Maybe even before that but I have such a bad memory I can’t remeber beyond 1993.

I felt like I was living in a pinball machine and I was the ball getting knocked from side to side just waiting to fall through the hole and be done with the game.

It’s been a rough ride down. It hurt going from one side to the other side and being smash by the metal prongs.

I just wanted to fall through the hole and lay my head down and rest.

I am almost to the bottom but my body is sore. My brain is over being jolted. There are too many thoughts being thrown around. I’m over it.

I’m tired.

But, it’s almost over.

You have to believe and never give up.

Feeling Not So Guilty

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We go all day long, all week long, all year long. Is there anytime to just sit and do mindless and useless things? It took me a long time to realize that yes there is time to sit and do nothing or do exactly what you want. I feel like that is the only way I can regroup and get myself motivated again.

Guilt stricken is the best way I can describe how I used to feel about wanting to do this. I think it stems from my childhood. No, I know it stems from my childhood. My mom was OCD nonstop. She wasn’t clinically diagnosed as OCD but the signs were there. Back then, there was no special diagnosis for overly cleaning, obsessing, or being anal retentive about everything she did. God rest her soul. She was the epitome of having EVERYTHING in an orderly fashion. In turn, it rubbed off on me in different ways. I felt like I could never let the dust go, let the mail pile up, do the dishes on an as you use basis. It’s hard because of so many reasons. One because I used to care what people think. Specifically my ex-husband, relatives, friends who visited, and my kids.

In spite of letting things go, people will be people. Either they’ll judge you or they won’t. But in the scheme of things, either way it does not matter. Let them judge. Let them think however they are going to think. It’s okay to do what YOU want.

What matters most is how you feel. You have to be mindful of yourself. Screw everyone else around you. I know it isn’t easy. It took me probably 45 years to realize this. It’s hard enough to survive in this world so let the small things go and do you. Take care of you.