Just thoughts

Say what you feel Monday

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Well, usually most of the time the things I talk about never make any sense because I like to rant and rave about useless pieces of information that won’t make sense to most but there are some out there that do get it.

Anyway lol, my birthday was this past Saturday. I just turned 43. I think I can honestly say this is the year that I’m starting over. I already did. I lost 10 lbs in the past 30 days just by cutting my portions in half, eating healthier, and watching my alcohol intake.

The next change I made was letting go. I did that as well. I let go of the things I cannot change. I can only live my life the way it works for me. I think by trying to consistently make others happy reeked havoc on my body and mind. Bottom line with this is you can’t live your life worrying about what others think or what is it that you can do to make them like you better. I spent so much time on this ridiculousness that it wasted a good part of my life. That’s nor here nor there it’s over and done with and I moved on.

I’m really truly happy at this point and I have to say I met a man that has something to do with all this change. There is a saying that goes something like, be with a person who makes you a better person etc…I’m going to have to google it and find out for sure but I did. I found someone who makes me a stronger better person. Not only did he help me restore my confidence to say and do what I wanted to do for a change, he also lets me be completely the person who I want to be and use to be a long, long time ago. I never stop laughing when I am around him.

People are on a continuous search to be happy. There are a few out there that can be totally content being alone and happy. Then there are others, like myself who need someone to be by there side and help them get through the rough times, make them stronger, be their soul mate, have a best friend to share everything with and I think I found him. He feels and tells me the same thing. Don’t get me wrong, I get so afraid that sometimes this is going to flop in my face because it has been a long time coming that I haven’t been happy, but that is where my faith steps in. I have faith in the thoughts and positive energy out there that this is going to make this happen for me and things are finally going to turn around.

Now listen, my life is way far from perfect. I have so many other issues going on right now that I have to take care of but having someone like him definitely makes it a lot easier to get through. I just had to say that because I didn’t want you all to think that my life is a bed of roses and all perfect and whatnot lol. Oh no far from it but I’ll get to that at a later date.

All I can say for now is that I’m soaking in all the good and putting the yuck on a back burner for now.

I have to go make my coffee and get my day rolling. Boys are off from school because of the holiday. I start my new semester(3rd) today for my associates in Human Services which I’m nervous about but like everything else I’ll get through it.

With everything I blog or post about I always hope that someone who reads it can get something out of it. I hope that in this post you can too. Even if it means to you that don’t give up on your search for happiness. Even just a little bit of happiness can open up a whole lot of new doors. Nobody’s life is perfect but don’t give up on wanting to make yourself happy. That is where it all begins and no matter what it takes, do it.

Time for a facelift..

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I’ve had this piece for over 15 years and I decided it was time to give it a fac lift, and so I did.

All I had to do was sand it down a little with fine sandpaper then used Valspar black paint. Voila!

I also did my two end tables plus my armoire (which I have to post pics of). Oh and I just had new carpeting installed! Not shown in the pic though yet either.

photo 1 photo 3photo 2photo 3

Life

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Life, you can do so many things with it. You can live it, or you can just sit back and watch it go by. I chose to live it for a change. I chose to not live it for others but for myself and do what I want to do and do what makes me happy.

I can’t even say that it sucks being alone because I’d be lying if I did. I’m not alone. I have so many friends and family that support me and the decision I made.

It wasn’t easy and I didn’t make this choice over night. It took a lot of thinking and I laid out my pros and cons. Obviously I had more pros.

I had started journals here and there and everything I posted was about me not being happy. I can’t say that I am 100% okay. I do feel guilty still for leaving him but

my best interest was to better the life for my boys and myself.

We did have our good times and I am going to miss his family but I said it several times to a lot of people, I can’t live for those few and far in between moments, and I can’t

live for his family. I was not happy in the relationship I was in. I felt so alone and my kids sensed that which is something I don’t want them to have to experience. They’re way to young to be worrying about me.

The past 5 years were just another stepping stone in my life. God had me go down that path for a reason. What it is I don’t know but it’s just part of the bigger blue print that he has laid out for me.

I hate making my blogs all about myself so the point I’m trying to get to in this post is, do what makes you happy and do it now. Time isn’t going to stand still while you make a decision. I can’t kick myself for not doing this sooner because the timing was part of the whole process and whatever is in store for me. But, from here on in I can learn from my past.

I know there are so many people out there reading this post or maybe eventually who will get to read it that will say to themselves, I wish I could just change my life/situation and make that move. Yes you can. Financially it may not be the perfect scenario but everything has a way of working it out. I worried about him financially and I worried about my self too obviously but that was another reason why I couldn’t stay. I didn’t want to stay because it was a good financial decision or I was afraid of being alone or losing friends.

I’m happy. My life is not perfect but I am very happy.

This post isn’t about bashing “him” or what went wrong either or he said she said, it’s about me and my boys and finding peace and happiness. I can’t believe that I am actually on that road.

Life is great and I have so much more to write about but I have to get the boys off the bus so this is it for now.

Thanks for listening.

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My dream last night

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I had a dream about my mom last night. She passed away last August and this was the 2nd dream I had of her but it was a good one. I came in the side door of her house and went to the left a few stairs down into the basement where she washed clothes and was calling to her mom, mom. I heard her voice and she said yes I’m here. Then she came out from the other room in her basement wearing her pajamas and I walked down stairs all the way and said I love you and we started hugging. She said I love you too and it was like I really felt her, smelled her, and could hear her voice. I asked her if I’m wrong. I kept saying, mom am I wrong and she said no honey you’re not. It’s not right what they did to you.

I wonder if that was her coming to me in my dreams or is it my mind thinking this on its own? It felt so real and it was so vivid. The next part of the dream we went up to her kitchen/dining area and she said you have to rent my house. But it was already being occupied by the new owners(as it is now)and when were were standing in the kitchen the new owner came through the back door asking what we were doing in her house. We just started talking and the new owner said, oh I didn’t actually buy this house I’m just renting it and I’ll be out soon. Mean while even though my mom was dead she was still talking with us and the new owner.

I’ve been dreaming so much lately and remembering my dreams but that’s why I had to write this one down because I didn’t want to forget it. I cried when I woke up. A good and bad cry I guess because I really felt her and because I miss her so much. She was all I had left. I don’t talk to my sisters anymore and my dad lives in Florida. I talk with him occassionally but my mom was the only one who really cared about my boys(on my side of the family).

I miss her so much. If anyone knows something about dreams do you have any idea what this is suppose to mean? If there is any hidden meaning behind this one at all?