Letting go

It’s easier said then done. What a cliché that is right? When is the right time to let go? How do we let go? There are so many things that trigger memories of hate, confusion, and sadness throughout my whole life starting with my childhood and after that it was a never-ending heart wrenching cycle that I went through. I don’t hold grudges and I can’t retain hate in my heart for any long periods of time. Some things I just block out. I guess you can say I become numb to my thoughts when they start rushing in only soon to exit once again feeling me like I should be mad but am too exhausted to put that effort into it. Right now I feel there are so many thoughts holding me back and draining me. How do I go about just letting go? I feel like I don’t even write as much as I want to in this blog because of guilt, guilt that I am taking pleasure in doing something good for myself. This all has to stem from my childhood and my marriage of 17 years.

Time is ticking. I have to make the rest of my life, the best of my life. My mom died 3 months ago. We were close but I had a lot of anger inside me because her and my dad. Instead of taking my sisters and I on a real vacation trip, the only one they took us on was a guilt trip. For some reason I continuously have people gravitate towards me who want me to feel this way. Guilty for their childhood so I have to make up for it and sacrifice my true happiness so they can walk all over me. At some point it has to end or either I have to take control of how these people treat me and just point-blank do not allow it. I think it’s the Capricorn thing because I am so weak at times it disgusts me.

I have a beautiful life. The opportunities I am given to live it so beautifully isn’t being used up to its full potential. Does that make sense? I am taking this life that I have left for granted. Shame on me. The wakeup call has to be here and now before it’s too late.