Take 5

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Step one. I’ve been reading up on ways to relieve stress and one way they said is to take time to write, blog it out, journal it, or whatever. So here I am. I love to blog but I feel guilty for doing it, like I’m taking away from “real work.” This is my down time and god dammit I’m entitled to it. The only one who tells me differently is my boyfriend unfortunately. I’m the stupid one for listening to him and actually giving a crap about what he thinks of me. #1 I think I’m a fantastic mom. #2 I’ve been through a lot of devastating things in my life so I think I have the right to just veg and take time for me. #3 Who is he to tell me what or what I can’t do, or tell me I don’t do enough around the house, or boss me around and demand that his clothes should be cleaned and put away. What era am I living in? And why in the world am I succumbing to his demands or comments? Right now I am in a position where I have the world by the balls. Excuse my language, but I do. On Christmas eve my house caught on fire and to make a long story short basically everything was destroyed by either fire or water damage. I was blessed to have my niece’s future in-laws offer their home that is for sale for the boys and I to stay in. I’ll be posting pictures of the views from up here. But this is a golden opportunity for me to re-group, gather my thoughts, get my sh*t in order and start over a beautiful life for my boys and I.

“He” just walked in the door like nothing even happened. Like he didn’t leave the house screaming at me because he couldn’t find his favorite shirt. All the wash is done and put away mind you and his favorite shirt was not in there. Why is this my fault? I told him plain in simple(just 5 mins ago that #1 I do not need him and #2 I’m not a door mat where you can talk down to me and treat me like dirt.

I’m good. This feels great getting this out of my system. The sun is shining. My boys are content and happy. Even the dog is happy. I feel calm right now. My school work is geting donw. I just worked on my resume of which my sister is proofing for me. My plans are set in motion and I am going to carrying this thing through. I am going to continue working on relieving myself of stress and ridding myself of all the elements that induce stress in my life. Wish me luck.

 

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As the storm blows in

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We’ve been waiting for Nemo all day and finally he has arrived. Everyone is home safe and sound. I sent my texts to my girls(sisters)making sure they are all tucked in for the night. My life feels like this storm. Winds are blowing from the east and west with strong gusts. Snow is falling steadily probably for the remainder of the night. It is like a whirlwind for sure.

I feel like this storm. So unsettled and being tossed all over the place but yet it offers such serenity by its beauty. My life should be serene like that but I can’t help but feel like I am so stressed out.

I am in a position right now that my hands are tied. I can’t make any moves until a few things happen. So my main goal is to just try to relax and focus on school. For me this is easier said than done. I’m thinking of taking a yoga class with my sisters next week. I’ll have to see how that goes.

In the mean time I am going to find other ways to relieve stress and for get about changing what I don’t have control over. cropped-022.jpg

Where do I begin

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It’s January 2013 already? My life is definitely passing me by. On Christmas eve a few weeks ago my house caught on fire. Between the damage of the fire, water, and below 0 temps, I just about lost everything, but I didn’t lose my family and that’s all that truly matters. To make that long story short, an ember blew out of the chimney and back on to the house which set the blaze. It was the most heart wrenching thing I’ve ever experienced. I’ve never felt so helpless in my entire life. I hold the memories close to my heart that were made in that house but that night is the night that I also let go of a lot of anguish. It was definitely a bitter-sweet moment in my life. My boys were raised in that house and knew nothing else. Those were some of the most precious memories I’ve ever made there. I lost all of our childhood keepsakes. Mine, the boys, and Toms. They were all stored up in the attic. How do you possibly deal with something like that? Their first strands of hair from their first haircut, their baby blankets, first outfits, etc. All gone. What does it mean though? It was all just material things right? When I die then what? Do my boys really want to lug all that stuff(precious stuff to me)around because they knew it meant so much to me? I guess it really doesn’t make a difference now though does it? It’s all gone.

There were so many memories made there I can’t even begin to get into it. Holding on to those memories is all that matters now.

The top half of this post was written day before yesterday. It’s amazing how my mood changes over a period of a couple of days.

I realized something this morning. I have a tendency to hold back. I hold back my feelings and my thoughts. I never let it all out and I think part of it is because I’m afraid of things going good for a change. That is another thing I’m afraid of is change. With this whole incident of my house catching on fire is a way to start over. My boyfriend hit it right on the nose, he said we were complacent in that house. It was holding us back and there was A LOT of luggage to go along with it. Now, we have no choice but to walk away, leave it all behind and let it go. It’s painstaking no doubt, but I also in a weird way feel like the sky is clearing. I literally at the end of 2012 felt like someone had a chokehold on me. Grant it I lost my mom in August and had gone through a rough time with her being sick but me watching her in pain put me through a lot of agonizing grief. My childhood left me with a ton of animosity and with her passing I was angry because I never told her enough(while she was well)the things that upset me from my past. That is a whole other issue that I’m not even sure I’m going to tackle but for now I’ll push it out of my thoughts. I have so much to deal with why put that mess on my plate as well right?

Whew must be the coffee today because I am a complete chatter box wth?

My decision is this today; I am going to make a change, say and write how I feel without hesitation or in fear of what others will think or in fear of losing people because of expressing my true feelings. That’s it bottom line over and done with.

That’s all for now…until next time. Wish me luck.