Not just a dog

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How do I even begin to tell you about Maddy? Where do I start other than with the fact that she was truly my best friend. If you are not a dog lover you wouldn’t understand this post so you might as well skip right over it. I remember the day I picked her out. She was the only rotty with a little bump on her nose and when I knelt down she came waddling over, yes waddling to sniff me up and check me out. She had the cutest little pig belly ever. I had to carry her around for the first 3 to 4 months because her short little legs couldn’t keep up with me.

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Everywhere I went she followed. I would walk from room to room doing my chores and she was there right by my side. I couldn’t even pee or take a shower without her. When it was bed time and I wasn’t ready yet, she would pace relentlessly until I at least brought her up and tucked her in!

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Four years definitely wasn’t long enough. I know that there are humans every day who suffer and leave our loved ones because of cancer, but the pain I am feeling without her is just the same. I understand there was no possible way I could let her suffer either but there is such an empty feeling inside that I can’t even describe. She got me through some rough times in my life and I will never forget it. She kept me warm on the coldest nights and gave me peace of mind when the boys and I were sleeping at night just knowing that she would have ripped anyones head off if they walked through that door.

I am going to miss her so much. Again, there goes another piece of my heart, just like the piece I lost when my mom passed away last year. Yes, I know this is a part of life but it sucks and I hate it.

I wish there was someway I could bring her back.

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I know the answer

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It’s been one thing after another. My mom died in August, my house caught fire on Christmas Eve, my boyfriend’s grandmother has cancer, and now I have to put our dog down who we just found out she has cancer. Oh and I have to go for a stress test, echocardiogram tomorrow because my ekg was off the charts. But yet, time after time I remain optimistic and keep saying everything happens for a reason. What is the reason? I think I know what I have to do to stop the universe from biting me in the ass. It is time to change my thinking. I am not necessarily doing anything wrong but it is the thought of going through with the potential things I have in mind to do.

It has to stop. I have to change. I can’t get back what has already happened and I can’t stop the inevitable, but from here on in I can make a conscious effort to think and do right.

If I can’t fix the problem that provokes me to think and want to do whatever it is, then I have to make a change on that as well. I’m tired, my heart is tired, my head is tired. I don’t want my life to be so tiring anymore. I want calm. I want peace and for things to go smoothly. I am not asking for anything more than I have, I just need a break from the bad that keeps happening. Please God give me that break.

It’s all about your mindset

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If you think badly, you’ll feel badly. If you think positive and uplifting thoughts, those thoughts will make you feel better. It’s really basic simple math. I truly believe that. It’s all about your mindset and attitude.

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Think before you speak

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Some people are just plain stupid. That is exactly what I look at it like. I feel pity for people who have no morals or couth. That only makes them that less of a decent, caring, loving, person. I’ve come to the decision that I am not going to let people like that poison my thoughts or life. Oh and other word for people like that are just rude.

The question I already know the answer to is, why do people like to inflict hurt and pain on others? Why would someone like to see someone else suffer to make themselves look better? I just don’t get it? I would never ever try to take something or say something to someone else to better my self at any degree.

If you see someone else in need or in a worse off position than yourself, wouldn’t you try to help that person out? Not even in a monetary way, just in an emotional or supportive way?

Some people fail to realize that it’s not all about them and what is going to make them feel good and satisfied. Do those type of people ever figure out that their inner misery stems from the fact that cause other people pain? Really, that’s it in a nut shell.

I get emotionally hurt, feel pain, and have anger because of the way people are vicious and cause me pain as well as others. I can’t let that happen anymore. Seriously, it has to stop or it’s going to end up killing me. I take everything to heart and in the end, it means absolutely nothing. I have to remember to shield myself from people like such. My whole life I have dealt with shit. Shit from my parents, shit from a certain sibling, shit from people who I really thought gave a lol “shit” about me. It has to stop.

I know I have made mistakes in the past but from those mistakes I truly learned my lesson. I’m not saying I can call myself Mother Theresa because from time to time I can do stupid stuff but overall I get what it is all about. I just wish others would also but ya know it isn’t my problem or emotional ball and chain anymore. I am going to eliminate those people from my thought and pain process. I may not be able to remove them from my life but I have the ability to control the pain they can cause me. I’m done.