And so it’s been two weeks today. One thing I have to say before I get started. I am not one to dwell and be dramatic. 99.9% of the time I am a positive and upbeat person. I hate drama and if there is something or someone causing a negative whatever to my life I eliminate it, but with my mom dying 2 weeks ago I feel completely different. I’m not sure what it is. Sadness is definitely a part of it but there is something else. I’ve been talking with my sisters and they’ve been feeling it also. I think time is the only thing that will give us any sort of relief I hope.

Anyway, yesterday was the first football game of the season for the boys and they won 35 – 0. There is just something about this time of year that I absolutely love. The smell in the air, the blue skies, a hint of color change in the leaves on the trees, and the thought of settling down for winter is just so soothing. This was my mom’s favorite time of year also. She made me appreciate the simplest things in life. I’m figuring this out slowly but I’m just going to have to take all that good stuff that she taught me and put my all into it and my boys. I get mixed emotions when I get excited about the thought of getting my fall decorations out or watching the boys play football. I feel like how could I dare enjoy these things now that my mom is gone? Hard to explain it but on the other hand I know she would want me to get excited about this stuff. She always did.

Okay time to change the subject. I’m posting a pic of the boys first game of the season. We had a blast and I was probably more nervous than anyone out there with being Team Mom I had a lot of little babies to watch out for. Wow instant family lol and I went natural with all of them! I just had to remember that life is still good and hold on to the great memories I had with my mom. I’m starting to take those baby steps……

my mom died day before yesterday.she asked me to go get her a few things from the store and when i got there i found her in her bed. the pain is indescribable. she was my best friend. i don’t even know how to put my feelings into this blog. there is really nothing that can describe my pain right now. everything is all fuzzy i haven’t slept and ive been cleaning since 4 a.m. i never ever clean she would have been impressed she was definitely ocd in the best way she loved her home so much of course no mom is ever perfect but she was always always there for me. she busted my chops and drove me absolutely insane at times but a couple of hours later we acted like nothing even happened.  what am i going to do without her how am i going to do this? how am i going to be without her? i never thought this day would come i always told her she would be pissing on my grave for sure. we could talk to each other like that she was my best friend. every time we went to the casino or we did something we knew for sure my sisters would never approve of, he motto was, we could be dead tomorrow, she always said that i have a text from her last week saying that exact thing. i locked all my messages from her. i can’t stand this void in my life. we could be dead tomorrow. i need to hear he say that again. i need to go to the casino with her one last time and sit at the buffet with her and gossip about everyone and everything. there is so much i’m going to miss, her bringing me all her good finds from goodwill and salvation army. she would call me from her cell phone in a whispering voice and say jeana you’re not going to believe what i found and i’d say oh cool take a picture i want to see it and 8 mins later i’d get the pic. over the last 6 months or so i tolerated all her little trinkets she brought me i use to get so mad because my house would we overstocked with little boxes, salt and pepper shakers, pictures, just everything but i felt this coming on. i said yea ma i’ll take whatever you find. we loved the casino we’d do our usual routine, go get our free play, go to the buffet, and sit and bullshit for hours just like we did on the car ride. my best friend is gone. i feel like i should have been there more for her. i should have been nicer and i should have spent more time with her. i tried and maybe i should have tried harder.

As I told you in an earlier post, I am going back to school full-time to  finish up my associates in Business Administration. Not only am I at the ripe old age of 41, but I’m also divorced and have two boys ages 8 and 9. Granted, I know my work/school load will indeed be a full one come this September, but this is the first time in a long time that I have felt alive and heading in the right direction. In 2008/2009 I took online courses to get my medical transcription certificate, but this time it feels different.  I feel different about everything lately. I appreciate life a lot more since my boys are getting older and my family had a scare with my mom’s health. When you stop and actually look at life evolving around you and recognize there are things and circumstances you do not have control over, only then does it bring everything into a whole new perspective. Time is ticking forward and there isn’t anything that can bring back that one second or minute. The most valuable life lesson I could have EVER learned is that my existence on this earth is truly priceless. I realized that only I have the ability to change my life. I can sit and do nothing but monopolize myself with worries and wishes, or opt for my other choice and take advantage of this beautiful life God has given me. I had a choice to make that change and I did. Anyone can. There isn’t anything that can stop you.

If you open your mind and think of what it is you want in this life, you will get it. I truly believe that. When my boys were 1 and 2-years-old,  my ex-husband decided he wanted to separate(eventually divorce) and move back down to New York City.  So alas, here I was alone, living in upstate New York, overwhelmed, and numb. The only thing I was focusing on was surviving  mentally in order to take care of my babies. I did it, I got through it and I moved on AGAIN. Yes, again. I’m not going to re-hash all of my life events at this point in time, but I’m sure you’ll hear about in future posts. The point of this post is that anyone can do anything if they just put their mind, heart, and soul into it. Cliche′ of the day: Where there is a will, there is a way. So overused but true and to the point. I have a lot more to do, but for now I’m taking life one step at a time and be content with what I’ve accomplished already. What good is anything if you can’t look back on how far you’ve come? By doing so, it only makes what you have to endure that much easier.