Just thoughts

Not so quick thought

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I had so many things I wanted to blog about today but didn’t even get a chance to jot it down to do it after. “You never know,” is a quote someone put into my nieces program for the play along with their advertisement. But, it just stuck out in my head today for so many reasons. Last week we had a shooter right here in our village. Everything and everyone was turned upside down. There was one “you never know.” It’s scary but true because you truly never know one day from the next whats going to happen. You also never know who you are dealing with, neighbors, friends, even family to a certain extent. Lately, I have been finding out so many sides to so many people. Good and bad sides, trusting and not so trusting sides, along with I am totally shocked sides.

You never know isn’t a bad statement, it just means don’t assume you know everything about someone no matter how close of a friend you are. I see now why some people do the things they do and what makes them tick. I watch them get angry and act out and realize ohhh okay is that where all the emotion is stemming from. A lot of it comes from a person’s childhood. I truly believe that. Traumatic events and not so traumatic events that happened during someone’s youth can explain why they are they way they are today.

People display so many different type of emotions. I saw resentment, anger, disgust, guilt, all in one night!!! This was sitting on the other side of the fence and I thought to myself, I don’t want to be like that or end up like that. I don’t want to be in a hateful relationship. People can tell each other that they love one another all they want but it shows how they talk and treat to each other. If you can’t get past whatever resentment you have towards the other person then you need to let go or if your carrying some type of hate as a result of what happened to you in the past, stop. Stop taking it out on people who love you the most. It sucks. I see myself doing a little bit of both. I make excuses for the things I do and what I’ve had done to me in the past. It isn’t right and I know this. Making excuses isn’t any way to live life. Change has to happen now before it’s too late.

Not just a dog

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How do I even begin to tell you about Maddy? Where do I start other than with the fact that she was truly my best friend. If you are not a dog lover you wouldn’t understand this post so you might as well skip right over it. I remember the day I picked her out. She was the only rotty with a little bump on her nose and when I knelt down she came waddling over, yes waddling to sniff me up and check me out. She had the cutest little pig belly ever. I had to carry her around for the first 3 to 4 months because her short little legs couldn’t keep up with me.

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Everywhere I went she followed. I would walk from room to room doing my chores and she was there right by my side. I couldn’t even pee or take a shower without her. When it was bed time and I wasn’t ready yet, she would pace relentlessly until I at least brought her up and tucked her in!

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Four years definitely wasn’t long enough. I know that there are humans every day who suffer and leave our loved ones because of cancer, but the pain I am feeling without her is just the same. I understand there was no possible way I could let her suffer either but there is such an empty feeling inside that I can’t even describe. She got me through some rough times in my life and I will never forget it. She kept me warm on the coldest nights and gave me peace of mind when the boys and I were sleeping at night just knowing that she would have ripped anyones head off if they walked through that door.

I am going to miss her so much. Again, there goes another piece of my heart, just like the piece I lost when my mom passed away last year. Yes, I know this is a part of life but it sucks and I hate it.

I wish there was someway I could bring her back.

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I know the answer

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It’s been one thing after another. My mom died in August, my house caught fire on Christmas Eve, my boyfriend’s grandmother has cancer, and now I have to put our dog down who we just found out she has cancer. Oh and I have to go for a stress test, echocardiogram tomorrow because my ekg was off the charts. But yet, time after time I remain optimistic and keep saying everything happens for a reason. What is the reason? I think I know what I have to do to stop the universe from biting me in the ass. It is time to change my thinking. I am not necessarily doing anything wrong but it is the thought of going through with the potential things I have in mind to do.

It has to stop. I have to change. I can’t get back what has already happened and I can’t stop the inevitable, but from here on in I can make a conscious effort to think and do right.

If I can’t fix the problem that provokes me to think and want to do whatever it is, then I have to make a change on that as well. I’m tired, my heart is tired, my head is tired. I don’t want my life to be so tiring anymore. I want calm. I want peace and for things to go smoothly. I am not asking for anything more than I have, I just need a break from the bad that keeps happening. Please God give me that break.

It’s all about your mindset

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If you think badly, you’ll feel badly. If you think positive and uplifting thoughts, those thoughts will make you feel better. It’s really basic simple math. I truly believe that. It’s all about your mindset and attitude.

blessings