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Feeling Not So Guilty

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We go all day long, all week long, all year long. Is there anytime to just sit and do mindless and useless things? It took me a long time to realize that yes there is time to sit and do nothing or do exactly what you want. I feel like that is the only way I can regroup and get myself motivated again.

Guilt stricken is the best way I can describe how I used to feel about wanting to do this. I think it stems from my childhood. No, I know it stems from my childhood. My mom was OCD nonstop. She wasn’t clinically diagnosed as OCD but the signs were there. Back then, there was no special diagnosis for overly cleaning, obsessing, or being anal retentive about everything she did. God rest her soul. She was the epitome of having EVERYTHING in an orderly fashion. In turn, it rubbed off on me in different ways. I felt like I could never let the dust go, let the mail pile up, do the dishes on an as you use basis. It’s hard because of so many reasons. One because I used to care what people think. Specifically my ex-husband, relatives, friends who visited, and my kids.

In spite of letting things go, people will be people. Either they’ll judge you or they won’t. But in the scheme of things, either way it does not matter. Let them judge. Let them think however they are going to think. It’s okay to do what YOU want.

What matters most is how you feel. You have to be mindful of yourself. Screw everyone else around you. I know it isn’t easy. It took me probably 45 years to realize this. It’s hard enough to survive in this world so let the small things go and do you. Take care of you.

No, it’s not okay

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It’s a Catch-22. Speaking your mind. For me it is anyway. I feel there are days when I am invincible and speak my mind about anything and everything. Then there are days that if I think if do I will lose everything.

Abuse is a cycle that can only be broken by the victim who is being abused. It comes in so many different ways. More than you could ever imagine. In some cases, if the abuser is losing control of his/her victim he will then resort to physical abuse.

They prey on the kind and weak to get what they want. Whether it’s control to satisfy their own ego, use of the victim to gain what they need, money to fill their own pockets, they will use their scare tactics to accomplish their own goals at the expense of others well-being.

I know because I am a survivor. Unfortunately though, I see the cycle of abuse being done to someone close to me. All I can do is hope and pray that I can use my strength to make them see right from wrong and what is being done to them is not natural or healthy.

Abuse is NOT okay and it comes in so many forms. When you are treated a certain way and it gives you feelings of being scared, uselessness, uncertainty, worthlessness, hopelessness, please walk away. Those are unhealthy feelings that will destroy your confidence and take away your strength.

Be strong and do whatever it takes to walk away.

Holy sh*t! I did it!

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I did it. I booked a campsite for the boys and I. This is one step closer for me to actually get to go camping solo. Over the past 2 years we have been going with my sister and her husband. This year we kind of graduated. We are going camping at the same campground with them but at a different campsite.

Then…. I took it upon myself to book a site just for the boys and I at a different time and place all together.

The campground we are going to is called Limekiln and it is up in the Adirondacks of NY.

I am actually looking into investing in a small rv that sleeps 3. Since my boys are turning 17 and 18 in September, I think I will be going on my own next summer. I think that a small rv might be better when I am alone as opposed to tent camping. Gotta have room for my dog! haha

So here is our site that I booked in July at Limekiln.

I am beyond excited.

All it takes are baby steps when it comes to accomplishing anything you want. Life is too short not to take a chance.